With the end of the school year coming to a close last week, sitting on my couch on a Monday morning with my puppy at my feet and french toast on my plate seems wrong - like I should be somewhere today getting ready for something. I'm not really sure how to handle summer vacation yet - on Thursday as I watched my first group of peanuts walk out the doors as second graders I was a blubbering mess. I cried for what seemed like hours and while I cleaned my room that afternoon, I found things that reminded me of them and I cried all over again. I didn't think that getting that attached to those kids could happen in such a small amount of time. In reality, yes it was 9 months that I spent with them - every single day as we grew as learners and I grew as a teacher. I watched them reach impeccable goals and grow so much as learners. We faced some REALLY hard days - let me tell you. Days where I wondered how in the world I was going to be able to do this again tomorrow. Days where I would cry because I wondered if I did something wrong at the very beginning of the year. Days where I wanted to use more than my "firm voice" with some of them. None of that mattered when we were all sitting in a circle on Thursday saying our goodbyes - I could feel that stinging feeling in my face and the lump in my throat as tears started to flood my eyes as I thought about how this would be our last time in the circle together. They were an incredible group of kiddos - so smart, so loved, so excited for life, so caring, so unbelievably kind. We left our family behind that day in hopes that next year we could build a new family. My heart still aches over them moving on, and I wondered how God would allow me to get so hooked to a group of kids like this group. How he would allow my love for them to be overflowing and then rip them away in a 15 minute span to be given to somebody else.
Then, as I sat here this morning with my feet up and the wind hitting the side of the house I read my devotional for the day - which was all about withstanding hardships. How not to run away from hardships but instead withstand them as they bring us into a better understanding of Christ and who He is. I know for some this doesn't seem like a "faith testing valley" by any means, but for me and my heart this last week, it really has been. I constantly wondered how He could allow me to care so much for human lives that I eventually have to give up, and why He would want me to do this job when it comes with so much reward and hardship in the same breath. Then I remember that Jesus did the same exact thing - He mixed reward and hardship into one when we decided to follow Him. He would cry over the times that we mess up and follow the enemy when our human nature allows us too, and He would rejoice in the times that we follow His calling and live life more like Him. As I begin my day with a hot breakfast, a puppy who is cuddly and loving, and a heart that still stings for the wants of my kiddos, I am at peace. Another year has passed - my first year as a teacher is over. I will never get to relive this year. I will never again be a first year teacher. I have completed the HARDEST year in my career and fell in love with what I do even more each day. I am ready for rest and relaxation. I am ready for a renewing of my soul and for the exhilaration of planning another school year. I am ready for at home projects, organizing and cleaning, and cute classroom do-it-yourselfs that will fill my summer. I'm ready for a change of pace in working at Celebrate church with my studly husband. I am ready for a new adventure and for time with him - even if it is at work. I am ready for a Mexico vacation and family time. Summer is here and while my heart aches for the students who are now wonderful second graders, my heart is also at peace for the rest that an ending to a school year brings. Here's too many more and to continue to follow the hard, long, exhausting, rewarding, loving job that God has created me to do.
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